I learned to look after myself by looking after them

There are lots of ways to learn to take care of yourself. I wasn't making great deal of headway on my twenties - my self steem was pretty external; I was often in a weird place with drinking. I started some good habits - running, swimming, yoga, and learned new skills (driving, sewing, blogging) and was cracking on with my career but just generally, day to day was not taking care. I was out to prove I could make a career in an area of the workforce that was oversubscribed. In fact I was always out to prove something - trying to be the funniest, the smartest, the most astute, the most arch, the most interesting. It was as frustrating as it was ignoble. Left to my own devices I'd live off cheap wine, crap TV, radio 4, pub rants, snarky Tumblr posts and tins of macaroni cheese. I felt this weird mix of confidence and fear - I wanted to join in with some conversation I felt was happening around me, but didn't know how some folk seemed to get there (columns in the guardian, podcasts, books) while others didn't.

Anyway, having kids made some changes. It took me away from that mindset and into a more ‘how do I make sure we get through the next 24 hours’ situation. Suddenly I wasn't running, swimming or signing up for triathlons, I was walking miles and miles every day. And no, for the first couple of years I was not having a lot of bubble baths, everything showers, manicures or Sunday resets. Some days I was lucky if I'd managed to brush my own teeth.

It surprised me to realise that as time was going by I was looking after myself too.

The sheer consistency of showing up for the kids in all the practical ways meant that I moved on from the semi feral state I default to when left to my own devices. Instead of staying up until the shipping forecast because I felt compelled to start sewing a reversible dress from scratch at 10pm, or letting one midweek drink after work get out of hand, suddenly I was going to bed at 10pm most nights and taking a multivitamin.

With someone else to look after it turns out I can have a proper dinner with vegetables every day (no more anchovy sandwiches!). I get a walk at the want time every day to and from school. I get fresh air and see the seasons pass. Having kids makes going for a run feel like a very necessary chance to be unavailable for half an hour, three times a week. Being responsible for the kids means I go to ask the regular low-key dental and medical appointments that single me would have let slip. I don't drink alcohol anymore because I can't face parenting with a hangover. I love walking in the woods with my family. It keeps me from being online all the time.

And all this means I get to show up regularly at the school gate, the park, the library, the swimming pool, the cafe. Doing that meant I started to feel part of my community in ways I didn't access as a person with a full-time job and few routines. That is good for me too, to feel those very light connections to the people who I share a smile and kind words with every day as we politely wish one another well. It has also led to forming more friendships and better opportunities to campaign and organise. Our save the library campaign was built this way, and it means I have the social connections to lead to opportunities to volunteer and support the youth group, the community centre, the toy library and the community library. Looking after your area and your values is totally knitted into my wellbeing.

Sometimes this shows to in very specific acts of care. As a kid I felt admiration for the beautifully sewn-in name labels on my friends’ school uniform, and now that's a thing I get to be part of! Taking the best bits of your childhood and making them part of your life can feel like magic. I have fond memories of sitting in the car with my dad at the weekend doing odds and ends, or going to the museums and I get to do that as the parent now. My mum made some beautiful fancy dress costumes, something I love to try.

And so no, in those early newborn days when I could barely meet my basic needs I could not know how showing up as a parent would mean showing up for myself. I wish I could have realised amongst those moments, that in the work of parenting I would eventually be caring for myself too.